I don't understand myself at all. If I could self-diagnose myself I'd say I'm bi-polar. I probably am mixed in with the PTDS, the SA, the depression and anxiety I'm a fucked up person. Its hard to explain why I make some of the decisions I make, but I can always understand why I made them. I never regret them, just accept them and look forward because you can't change the past all you can do is make the future better for you. I don't hate that, I admire it that you have to live with the decisions and choices you make that you can't escape them. I just always change not my ambitions or dreams I go from being adamant about something to believing it and pushing forward with all my strength to then just stopping and moving as slow as ever not giving up but finding the reality and then moving with it. I hate that why should I go with the flow of the world I want my own flow I want my own place to be my own being is that so much to ask! I wish I just had the drop of more so I could reach it and then the fates just fuck you up someone you care about gets sick and you can't do shit just wait and wait for them to die because if you leave you're the asshole that left and will always be remembered as that. So fuck it I'll just have to be miserable for longer its not like it'll make me much worse of a fuck up than I already am.