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I came back

I came back.

I came back 'home' when I knew I had to. Not for anyone but myself, I'm selfish like that I saw a opportunity and I took it. But I'm not a selfish person, no I just want to be free and I guess it's just going to take longer than expected. I left 'home' as soon as I turned eighteen and then came back because it was cheaper. I needed to save money and I would only be staying here for a couple of months before setting out for a two country adventure, one to somewhere new and one of my family homeland. My cousin was getting married and I'd promised I'd spend three months with her before she tied the knot, but in all honesty I didn't go their for her or for anyone but myself the further I was from my parents the better. They were suffocating, you lived but you didn't,§ always concerned about what you did, what you said, what you showed and at last who you were. I have tattoos and with their religious views it forbidden, a mortal sin so in the scorching heat of summer, while most I did spend in my pervious residence away from them, and some in Oxford with a good friend the other I had to spend at 'home' bundled up sweating buckets in my room, just to keep them happy and ignorant of me. But I don't hate it here it's comfortable and tolerable if I keep to myself, which is what I do the majority of my time- I can write more sorrowfully here theirs more pain in the air, I think If theses walls could speak they'd either talk of the memories from my childhood that were incredibly happy of terribly painful.

My childhood was not the best, but like many it wasn't the worst. It shaped me into the guarded, depressed, bi-polar, dreaming person I am today and even with all the difficulties and problems I wouldn't change it for the world. It made me, me. And with all the trauma I've inherited I've come to feel nothing for my parents- my feelings plato at them. I've never felt love for them only at most times undeniable fear and then at others pity. And yes, I have yet to love but I don't care for it, if it comes I will welcome it with open arms and if it doesn't I will accept the judgement as love is both a strength and a weakness and sometimes either depending on the soul that receives It.


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